BSG Fic - Wire Hanger - Part I/IV - Lee/Kara, Ensemble

[letterstonorah]

Title: Wire Hanger (Part I of IV)
Characters/Pairings: Lee/Kara, Kacey, Laura, ensemble (eventually)
Rating: R
Summary: Following the exodus from New Caprica, the fleet finds a new planet where they can lay down their burdens. Whilst not the disaster that was their last planetary home, bright and sunny futures still seem a thing of the past. Pretty Kara-centric.
Warnings: mentions of some (quite vanilla) sex, abortion
Word Count: 4000ish
Author's Note: This is my first BSG fic, so I'm not acclimated to all of the conventions of the fandom. I hope you'll forgive any canon snaffoos. (You have no idea how often I wanted to write "fuck" instead of "frak"). Also, I'm on the lookout for a beta. I have some of the best betas in the universe, but they're at home in other fandoms. (Also, any ideas about where else I should post this?)

Of course, thoughtful feedback is always very much appreciated.

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The best part, surely:

breathing real frakkin air. O2 in, CO2 out. Air to lungs, blood to organs

Then, as if by some miracle, the trees generate more oxygen, and it's this whole give and take thing that's kind of magical. Kara wonders how after years of living on Caprica she never appreciated this phenomenon before, never gave it thanks.

There's a spirituality to it, to the sensation of honest-to-gods air tiding down her windpipe. Feels so good not having to choke down that dry, weighty O2 manufactured and recycled on Galactica. That stuff on Caprica and New Caprica? This stuff here on Demeter? The gods made it, no doubt.

Lords of Kobol, this universe. This godsdamned, frakkin universe.

She's stopped trying to understand it. Stopped trying to reduce galaxies and star systems and black holes and the very edges of space. If she dwells too long on thoughts of dark matter or neutron stars, the vastness of it all begins to overwhelm her.

She's learned acceptance. Or something. Learned to ignore the inconsistencies. Learned to ignore questions about her place in it all.

She breathes in, breathes out, and it's the best feeling in the world.

No, the real best part is:

the sunrises here. Gods, she's turned soft.

But here is how it goes down on Demeter: dark sky turns the perfect shade of purple, like if you mix the paints just so, primary blue then black then white then red.

It's not the pale blue of Caprica, not the blue of her childhood. Here, even when the sun is at its brightest, the sky is a rich, dark violet—the result of unfamiliar atmospheric gases they have yet to identify. The redness of it evokes a feeling of beautiful violence. A launching viper. A cracking pistol.

The sky here looks like the most brilliant sunset on Caprica—no, more brilliant even than that. The most awe-inspiring sunset on Caprica to the 10th power, swirls and colors and maddening shapes. That's everyday on Demeter. Every beautiful frakkin day.

Up in space, in her viper, stars are distant. The blackness of the universe gulps you up. Kara likes that, loves it even. Disappearing into nothingness, into something as great and large as the cosmos.

But down here, planetside, it's as if she could pluck the stars like fruit from the tree. There's something sort of beautiful about that, too.

No, the real best part, definitely:

Today: Kacey running like a frakkin maniac around the bonfire, playing gods know what game. Kids and their weird ass minds. Trees transform into castles. Mud pits into hot lava baths.

A few weeks ago, Kacey dug a tunnel in the dirt of their yard and called it a wormhole, making time travel possible.

Do you want to go forwards or backwards in time? – Kacey had asked.

I think I'm okay right here, kid – said Kara.

Boring – said Kacey, I'm going to the beginning of time and riding dinosaurs, kay?

If you're really going to the beginning of time, you'll be riding an asteroid. If you're lucky, maybe an amoeba.

Momma, what was before the beginning of time?

Kids and their godsdamned questions.

Day 500 on Demeter, and Kara says a prayer of thanks. This is perfection. Calculus. The rate of change of a bowed line. The curvature of bodies. The squiggling lines between here and there.

Kacey is holding a stick that she's pretending is a sword. She waves it back and forth at the large fire, a little too close for Kara's comfort.

"Kara, watch me slay the dragon!"

"I'm watching, baby," Kara says, but really she's gathering more wood for the bonfire, thawing meat that's been frozen in the cold box she dug in the ground. People will be arriving in a couple of hours.

It's the anniversary of their settlement, One Demeter Year (which is much longer than a Caprican year) since they landed on this place.

For months, nothing felt right, the natural days here so different than the natural days of their former home. Demeter's sun is a supergiant star, rather than a medium-sized one. Here, there are four red moons. Days stretch forever, dragging on like an endless summer. Sun up at 0400 hours. Sun down at 2800 hours. That's right, 2800 hours. People were always begging for more hours in the day. They've finally got it. Takes thirty hours for Demeter to turn a full circle as it orbits the sun.

No one wanted to do away with the old systems, but it all became too confusing, the words not making any sense relative to their new planetary home.

So they did away with arbitrary months in favor of moon cycles. Went with 10 day weeks instead of 7. Added hours to the clock.

People stopped fighting it, embraced it. Demeter was their home now, the promise of Earth gone, Caprica annihilated, New Caprica a dungeon and a nightmare.

Kacey, Hera, Nicholas—they don't know anything else. Even Galactica is far away to them. This is their world. What the frak do they know about blue skies? Marsday? Colonial Day?

"Feeling better?"

Kara turns toward the voice, hand on one hip, gaze cocky.

It's Lee, looking like Adonis, par for the course. She wishes he wouldn't come here like this, not whilst Kacey is here. He's too godsdamned perfect to resist. Too pretty. She knows what he looks like under the shirt he's wearing. Can see it all before her like a vision. Him, on top of her, muscles flexed, in and out—it's the most dazzling view.

She's memorized every bend and curve of his abdominals. The grip of his palms over her wrists. The exact hardness of him inside her before he's about to come.

She wipes her hands on her shorts, made from BDUs she ripped apart when the weather got too hot.

Lee's got a sack under one arm, and he drops it to the ground.

"What are you doing here?" Kara asks. "Party doesn't start til 1300."

"I promised Kacey I'd take her fishing today. You said it was fine."

Frak. Kara'd forgotten, what with everything that had happened lately. She wouldn't cancel, though. Kacey needed the certainty of people in her life that love her. Part of that was letting her go fishing with Uncle Lee.

And of course Lee, ever the chivalrous nobleman, will never miss a play date with Kara's little girl, not after he's made a promise. What the frak is with him? It's like instead of genes and DNA he has molecules of do-goodness and self-righteousness.

Conversely, inside Kara float molecules of ugliness and depravity. She's a bit like a disease, really. Most days, she doesn't doubt that she deserves everything that happened to her on back New Caprica. That Kacey is too good a gift.

When they made their way onto Galactica, one of her first priorities had been to take the child to Doc Cottle. To see if she was okay. To see if there were any abnormalities, the girl being half cylon. Cottle had informed her that no, there was nothing anomalous about the baby's DNA, and that actually, she did not belong to Kara at all.

What the frak?

Cottle had shrugged. Baby's not yours, Starbuck. He'd inhaled a puff of smoke before exhaling, then said – now if you'd please, I've got people to see who are actually sick.

The first feeling Kara'd experienced was something like, something like humiliation. That after months of fighting she'd been so ready to let herself be manipulated by Leoben.

But after a healthy bout of self-loathing, a sense of relief overcame her. The universe made sense again. No way could she have produced something as beautiful as Kacey. No. Frakkin. Way. She'd made an honest go of looking for the girl's biological mother, but she finally received word from someone who knew the girl's mom, Julia, that the woman did, indeed, die back on New Caprica.

The sound of Lee clearing his throat catches her before she falls too deeply into thoughts of the past.

"So are we still on?" he asks. "Me and Kacey? Fishing?"

Kara nods. "Can you wait around a minute? I forgot. She's not really ready. Maybe let her play for a few more minutes?"

Lee nods, makes himself busy with some piles of kindling. She ignores the sounds he makes as he lifts and bends and twists, the vocalizations so close to how he sounds when he's frakking her.

"So are you?" he asks.

"What?" says Starbuck, about to fetch Kacey so that she can clean up, her face brushed with dirt.

"Feeling any better? Saw you at Doc Cottle's the other day," says Lee. "And rumor has it you were at hospital."

Right at that moment, Kacey chooses to take a break from slaying dragons (thank gods) and runs up to Lee. He sweeps the little girl into his arms, now five (Caprican) years old, and kisses her on the forehead before spinning her around then landing her softly back on the ground.

"Is that a present for me?" Kacey asks, pointing to the sack he's laid on the ground.

"As a matter of fact," says Lee, pulling it open, removing a box tied in twine, "it is."

Kacey takes it and opens it. Inside is a miniature rocket.

When she understands what it is, her little face is flawless. The smile. The wide eyes. Tongue stuck out excitedly. Her giant, wild curls (which Kara has given up trying to tame and comb) make her button nose seem even tinier.

"As if you haven't fired enough rockets," Kara says, rolling her eyes, secretly glad that the little girl prefers firecrackers and explosions to dolls and teddy bears.

"But not one like this," says Kacey. "Can we launch it now?"

"Later," says Kara. "Why don't you go get ready for your bath. You smell like dragon poo."

Kacey laughs. "No I don't."

"Well you sure as hell don't smell like roses." Kara bends down so she's eyelevel with the girl. She sniffs her hair, her neck. In reality, Kacey smells lovely. She smells like Kara's baby girl. Her daughter. And that's what she is, right?

"Lords of Kobol," Kara says, pinching her nose, clutching her stomach in exaggerated fashion after breathing in Kacey's scent. "Lee, do you smell that?"

"Oh, you mean that faint whiff of dragon poo? Yep, I smell it."

"Liar," Kacey says, still laughing giddily.

"Would I lie?" asks Lee.

"Fine," Kacey says. "But don't have any fun when I'm in there."

"Not gonna be a problem, kid," Kara says, side-eyeing Lee. She sees his expression stiffen, hurt, and so frakkin what? Like she has time to care?

After Kacey scurries into their little one room hut, built of large, gray stones, Kara gets back to work, getting ready for the Settlement Day BBQ Helo duped her into hosting.

"So are we in one of our not talking phases then?" says Lee, stalking towards her, and she can feel him, smell him. Kara doesn't let herself get distracted, focusing instead on dragging a large log towards the fire. It'll serve as a bench for the rug rats.

"Then what, in a coupla days, weeks," he continues, "you'll get the itch again, and then we'll be in a frakking phase again? Is that how it's gonna be? What am I, your stud?"

And the analogy hurts because that would make her his brood mare, and she doesn't want to be reminded of the baby that was inside her but now is not. And that was the real reason for everything. The hospital. Doc Cottle.

"Talk to me, Starbuck," he says. "Karl mentioned Kacey stayed with him and Sharon for a week or so."

Frakkin Agathon, not that it was his fault. He had no reason to keep that fact a secret, and it didn't sound like he'd divulged much more.

"I've got to get Kacey in the bath," says Kara. "Do something useful, okay?"

Inside, Kacey has stripped down to her skivvies

"Do I really smell like dragon poo?"

"That's what happens when you spend your days slaying dragons, Commander."

Kacey smiles when she hears her nickname, courtesy of the Admiral. The little girl had a way of always getting what she wanted, and the Old Man had said – Who wears the pins on this ship?

Kara pours cold water into the tub before filling a bucket with the boiling hot water that sits on the wood burning stove. In the large metal basin that serves as the bath, she mixes the waters, testing the temperature with her hand, finding it pleasantly warm.

"In you go, kid," Kara says.

Kacey removes her skivvies and climbs inside slowly, dipping her head in the water, blowing bubbles.

"I'm a fish," the little girl says, her yellow hair weighted down with water. She's looking up straight at Kara with the eyes that had once convinced her that the child was hers. Though of course she isn't. But she is. And it's complicated, just like everything.

"Gods, you're a goddess," Kara says, taking a bar of soap and running it over Kacey's scalp, then her body. "Would you believe me if I said you are the most beautiful thing in this universe?"

Kacey smiles, bashful, before dipping her head under water again.

Kara puts her in one of Hera's old dresses and a pair of brown lace-up boots. For a minute, she thinks she can wrangle the curly-q's into two French braids, but gives up quickly and settles for a scarf that will at least keep the locks out of the girl's face.

Outside, Lee is chopping wood, and Kara averts her eyes quickly, not wanting to linger on the look of his body.

She turns to Kacey, who is grabbing her miniature fishing rod.

"Have her back before the party starts, okay?"

Lee nods and walks away with Kacey.

#

He's not sure why he has such a thing for this nugget. Lee's never been good with kids. He just doesn't get them. What's with all their questions? And the way they stare? And their tendency to hug legs?

But Kacey? He was pretty sure he loved her.

Maybe it's because before a part of him had thought Kacey belonged to him. Starbuck had promptly corrected him.

She's Anders's then?

No.

Then?

None of your frakkin business.

Frak you, Kara.

She did that. Tangled you into her mess then expected you to find your own way out. Gods forbid she showed any compassion. And it was as if she literally had no place in her heart for others. She handed out wounds left and right, like they were free cupcakes. Always behind her was a wake of broken hearts.

And despite everything, all the trauma she'd put him through, Lee knows that none of that is actually true. She isn't cold or callous. Kara always burns hot.

That she has any ability left to love and give makes her the strongest person he knows, full of more tenderness and sweetness than anyone he's ever known. But unlike the stories in adventure novels, scabs don't just disappear if you want it hard enough. Kara Thrace is one big, keloidal scar. And whilst she is still the most holy thing in all the worlds to him, he long ago gave up thoughts of walking hand and hand with her down the streets of Demeter City.

Look, Lee – she'd said, You don't have the right to scold me. You don't have the frakkin right. You'll never know what happened. Never. And her words are so bitter and pained that he dropped it right there, never asked about Kacey again.

The child's origins were a mystery to everyone, and people had stopped asking questions. It wasn't until a few moon cycles ago that Lee learned Kacey wasn't Starbuck's biologically. The girl's first mother had died on New Caprica, and somehow care had fallen into Kara's hands. No one but Kara knew the details.

"Uncle Lee?" Kacey asked, her voice bringing him back to the here and now. She dragged her feet in the water of the cool river, making little ripples.

"Hm?"

"If you catch a bigger fish than me, can we tell Momma I was the one who caught it?"

"I don't know, Commander," Lee said, all smiles and good spirits. "You're not the one who needs to impress her."

#

What does it make Kara that the first thing she does when Kacey and Lee leave is jump in the bath and rub herself off? A slut? A whore?

She hopes so. That's a title she can stand by. A name she can own. It's familiar and kind of sweet. The old Starbuck. The girl who's frakked every-frakking-body there was to frak.

Kara makes the water as hot as she can stand it, hotter even. She wants the liquid to scorch and tingle her skin, redden her flesh. She craves the sensation of burning.

For the longest time her body has not been her body. Not since the farm on Caprica. Not since Leoben's dollhouse prison. Not since that intruder in her belly made its presence known. Not since Roslin said – I can't bend the rules for you, Starbuck, as much as I want to. The reality remains that we are a dying people.

Even after all I've done for you? – Kara asked. This is my body. Mine. And what are you telling me now? That I'm not a person? That all I am is a uterus? A frakkin uterus? What's next, Madame President? – and she had spat the woman's name with every droplet of venom she could muster. – Maybe you should take all the women in Demeter and impregnate them forcibly? Keep them locked up in chains until you feel the species is repopulated enough? Sound good, Laura? You're worse than they are. Worse than Leoben. Worse than Simon. You're so frakkin full of yourself. So delusional.

Would Kara's body ever feel like hers again? Or would it always be out on loan? Serving somebody's political agenda or twisted fantasies?

She steps in the basin slowly, letting the water scald her feet and her calves before bending down to become swallowed in the feeling of fire. This is the closest she ever comes to spiritual ablution.

Once she's used to the temperature of the water, the tingling now faint and humming, she takes a soapy washcloth and cleans herself, thankful for the moment of alone time.

(Does that make her a bad mother? Surely, Kacey deserves someone who is there all the time. Someone more devoted. Who doesn't need breaks. Who doesn't get a babysitter a fair number of weekend nights in order to have a chance to hang out with friends.)

Originally, Kara had gone to President Roslin, back when she still respected and trusted the woman. Before Laura had made a mockery of Kara by denying her the right to be in control of her own body.

She hoped Roslin would find a more suitable home for Kacey.

I never wanted a kid – Kara'd said.

Laura smiled, irritatingly sure of herself – In a way that's a good thing, Starbuck. Adoption shouldn't be about finding kids for parents who want them; it should be about finding families for kids who need them. And from what I've seen, that girl needs you. Now if you really think you can't be there for her, of course I'll do my best to find someone else who's suitable. But ask yourself this, do you really want me to?

Kara had said she would think about it, but every day that she wrestled with the decision was a day that she got to know Kacey even better, grew more attached.

Sometimes she regrets the choice she made to keep Kacey. She couldn't give the child up now. Not ever. Not for anything. Maybe she should've gotten out sooner, given Kacey the chance to have a normal mother who didn't swear and drink and fly fighter jets.

Around the room are several paintings. Most of them Kara's. Some of them Kacey's. Above a trunk full of clothes rests a portrait of the little girl Kara had painted.

In the image, Kacey's smile is ridiculously bright and unhindered. Free. Kara never smiled like that as a kid—or very rarely, anyway.

As the water begins to get cooler, she reaches to grab the kettle of hot water on the stool next to the basin. She pours it in, causing the bath to sting uncomfortably again. Her mind shifts from Kacey to Lee.

This is why she's in here, right? Hoping that this time will be the last time. That it will finally be enough.

It doesn't take much to get her going. The image of his face already triggers so many sense memories. The feeling of warm lips against hers. Soft, lazy tongue. Rough, calloused finger tips exploring her neck, back, stomach, breasts. Teasing fingers around her folds, dipping in tentatively. And it's this blur of knuckles and rubbing and pulsing, being pressed against walls, hard frakking that leaves her raw and sore.

Gods, Kara – he'd said, the first time they frakked after New Caprica, after they'd more or less forgiven each other. I missed this. And his eyes lingered over every inch of her body, reverent.

She'd never been one to be self-conscious regarding her body. She liked the way she looked fine enough. Her ugliness was all on the inside.

But since Lee had last seen her, she'd acquired so many new scars.

Get on with it – she said, desperate for his hands, for him to be touching her, moving inside of her. She wrapped her legs possessively around his waist, pulled his neck toward her so that she could kiss him.

You're perfect – he'd said, sensing her unease. Actually, what's better than perfect? Divine? Transcendent? I see you and all I want to touch you and taste you and frak you and mark you and make you mine, make you beg.

The memory of it is enough to carry her pretty close. As she massages the washcloth over her clit, one hand drawing soft circles over her breasts, she conjures a collage of Lee/Kara greatest hits, his cock in her mouth, his tongue between her legs, him taking her every which way, the sound of her name on his breath as he comes then collapses on top of her.

She grabs the edge of the basin with one hand as sensation floods her body, and she moans, rasping Lee's name.

Heavy breaths then the inevitable comedown. Regrets. Remorse. Responsibilities. The three Rs she experiences after most bouts of sexual activity.

She's guilty because—she's guilty for so many reasons. That she wants this. Her body must be broken. Her need to feel is so great and consuming that she wonders if there's anything else to her.



Part II

Comments

[koolaidmom11.livejournal.com]

Well..ltheres a LOT going on here. Whose baby was it? Did she have a miscarriage? Or an abortion? So much self hatred....

And Lee...

So, this was a great start and I can't wait to see where you go from here. Looking forward to it!!

[letterstonorah.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for your comment! It's good to hear from the readers.

I agree that there's a lot going on here, but answers will come soon enough! I've already finished the story, so it won't be long until I post the other three sections.

[pressdbtwnpages.livejournal.com]

I like this a lot. Kara has a really difficult voice and I think you've captured it really well.

I'm eager to read more!

[letterstonorah.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. That's good to hear, since that's always a worry of mine when entering a new fandom -- getting the voices right. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel OOC.

I appreciate your comment, and there are more chapters to come shortly!

Cheers.

[tuesday-suit.livejournal.com]

Whooooooa, this is good. Really good. I'm so intrigued and excited to read more - you create a lot of questions for the reader, which is always a good sign in the first chapter. Kara's and Lee's voices are very authentic, and I'm glad to see Helo mentioned - his friendship with Kara is one of my favorite things besides Kara/Lee. Excellent start.

[letterstonorah.livejournal.com]

You have no idea how lovely that is to hear! I was so nervous about writing for BSG because the universe and its rules are wicked big, and there's so much to keep track of! My other fandoms (Veronica Mars, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) are a little bit more manageable as far as canon to keep track of.

I'm glad you like Kara/Helo friendship because there's more of that to come.

Thanks so much for your sweet comment.

[rayruz.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm really loving this so far. Very gritty, and Kara's pain is so palpable. Cannot wait to see where you go with this.

[letterstonorah.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, love. That's really fantastic to hear.

As I said to another commenter, I was really nervous about entering this fandom. Canon for BSG is just so overwhelmingly huge, yeah? Trying to keep everything consistent with the rules of the 'verse was definitely a challenge for me. I'm glad the grittiness came through. I had always wished the show dealt more with Starbuck's emotional state following New Caprica.

Anyway, thank you again. It means a lot to me, because I've just begun reading your fic and quite love it. Cheers.

[finalparadox.livejournal.com]

This looks really promising! I can't wait to read more!

[letterstonorah.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, love! The next part is already posted, and part III is soon to come. Cheers :o)

[deenohh]

I don't see Lee being this forgiving of Kara. Not without some serious act of contrition from her. He was more than willing to give Kara up when she refused to commit in EOJ. Even when she seemed willing to commit he decided couldn't trust her. Well written fic but feels contrived.
You have Kara pretty much spot on. But like most writers around this time, Lee is way off. He's a grudge holder and by the point of TABFAYW he had pretty much had it with her. The sex just wasn't enough to hold him. So I'm just not really buying this.