letterstonorah: (karaeyeofjupebygeekbynight)
[personal profile] letterstonorah
Oh my gods. You guys. I suck. I turned a prompt that should've led to awesome porn into this totally angsty, un-porny ficlet? What is wrong with me? I DO NOT PASS UP OPPORTUNITIES TO WRITE PORNZ. Sigh. I'm just angsting all over the place and out of emotional writing steam? Or something?  [livejournal.com profile] n_e_star -- I'M SO SORRY. But I hope this suffices. 

SIGH. NC17, 500 words, blah blah blah. angel!Kara, warnings for suicidal ideation.




Kara is a ghost, a soul without a body. Her legs, her arms, her breasts, her neck—she feels them there, sees that they’re all still in the proper place—but she knows that they’re just a projection. Souls don’t walk around and admire the countryside. Souls don’t breathe or dive into warm rivers. And yet here she is, going through the motions, wondering how the frak she got stuck in this netherspace.

She is the invisible woman, the soundless woman, the not-there woman. To touch anything at all—a rock, a body, a blade of grass—requires a Herculean effort of the will. Picking a flower gives her a nosebleed and a head ache. Reaching out to stroke Lee’s cheek throws her into violent shakes. Kara has become Rogue, the most tragic of the X-Men—unable to touch or be touched. She sees everything. No one sees her.

Earth is a bit of a joke, and she wonders why she died—twice(?)—to get the fleet here. The sprawling prairies, the dense jungles, the icy mountains—they’re beautiful, yeah, and teeming with life; but here is really no different than there. Same shit. Different planet.

Most days she spends hovering around Lee, watching him pretend to be happy. She cries—only she doesn’t cry, because souls can’t cry—watching Lee’s face as he tries to reason himself out of his loneliness. He’s drunk all the time. When he’s not drunk, he fiddles with his firearm, shifting it back and forth in his palms. He wraps his lips around the barrel, closes his eyes, and Kara reaches out to grasp his hand. He feels it. Puts the gun down. Kara spends the rest of the day vomiting.

At night, he jerks himself off using a pair of Kara’s old briefs. She watches, feeling a throb and heat growing between her legs. This is probably a violation—against some phantom code of ethics, but Kara can’t bring herself to care. Frakking is touching. Lips to lips, bodies to bodies, hands to asses, arms, cocks, cunts. But this? This is—nothing (and everything), and she allows herself the small pleasure of seeing him lose it thinking of her.

He lies back on his cot, nothing more than a pallet of blankets, wetting Kara’s underwear with his pre-come. He strokes himself slowly, mutters her name under his breath.

Kara does the same, strips herself completely bare—gets as close as she can without touching him. She dips two fingers into herself to get them wet, then rubs herself off as she watches Lee’s hips jerk up into his fist. She times it so that they come at the same time, both of them panting and moaning and crying out in unison.

It’s the closest she ever gets to not being alone. Him, too.

Date: 2012-03-12 03:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sci-fi-shipper.livejournal.com
OMGs this is intensely beautiful. So much pain and longing and fascinating to read. I am going to read it again right now. WOW!

Date: 2012-03-12 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you so much! I had about a dozen scenarios for the prompt worked out...but couldn't get beyond the first couple of sentences. Then this kind of hit me, and I'm glad I went with it. I like the idea, and I might try to do more with it. What a lovely comment, dearest. *g*

Date: 2012-03-12 12:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sci-fi-shipper.livejournal.com
I woke up this morning with this fic in my head along with the idea that Lee can't stop drinking. It's so fucking sad. :(

(Which means excellent work, BTW.)

Date: 2012-03-12 01:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Oh, boo! *huggles* Pilots are really just kind of gutting me right now. Poor dears. Every time I watch canon -- even the blissful, carefree, happy moments -- all of it feels so dark and tragic because I know where it leads. At least here I hope we can see how much they obviously still mean to each other -- something the show didn't even give us! WTF??? LEE SMILES WISTFULLY WHEN KARA FUCKING POOFS???? WRONG. So. Ahem. I have feelings about this. Thanks for letting me know you're thinking about the fic.

Date: 2012-03-12 05:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] apodixis.livejournal.com
Woah, such an awesome spin on the prompt! Gods it makes me hate those writers even more to keep those two apart in the end.

Date: 2012-03-12 05:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Thank you! I didn't mean for it to be so angsty and dark, but I like the way it turned out. And GODSDAMN RDM. SIGH. I can't think about it.

Date: 2012-03-12 05:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] koolaidmom11.livejournal.com
Wow!!! You weren't kidding about the angst. Kinda wish Lee would pull the trigger just to be with Kara again.

Date: 2012-03-12 05:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Yes, it was even angstier than usual for me! I may write a continuation in which there's more of a happy ending :o)

Date: 2012-03-12 08:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rirenec.livejournal.com
This is such a fraught fic and so good. Poor Kara, following and unable to touch and him not even knowing she's there at all. Not sensing her. This is touching and harsh but really well done!

Date: 2012-03-12 01:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Thank you, Ray! Usually, I only write angst with the intention of a happy ending, so this fic is very unlike me, as the ending isn't particularly joyful. But I do like showing how Kara and Lee feel about each other, even separated by death. Poor, hurty pilots! Now I need to go write something to make them better!

Date: 2012-03-12 12:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n-e-star.livejournal.com
It's not exactly what I wanted, but it's so beautiful that I don't care.

But this? This is—nothing (and everything)
This line killed me dead.



Date: 2012-03-12 01:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Hee! I'm so sorry! As I was writing it, I was like, "Hmmm, this is the exact opposite of what she wants." I kept trying to do something light, fluffy, and porny -- but it just wasn't happening. I"ll make it up to you somehow! I'm so glad you enjoyed the fic even though it was dark and angsty. I shall write a sequel that involves a happy ending? Meh. No promises. *hugs*

Date: 2012-03-12 01:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n-e-star.livejournal.com
I didn't think it was all that dark.

Sad, bittersweet, but kind of... content.

Date: 2012-03-12 07:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] winegums.livejournal.com
she wonders why she died—twice(?)—to get the fleet here.

Glad to see Kara's with the rest of Shipper Nation on that front. :)

Date: 2012-03-12 10:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
*g*

I was wondering if anyone was going to catch that.

Thank you so much for commenting, dearest.

Date: 2012-03-12 10:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kdbleu.livejournal.com
This is so sad and beautiful. And somehow, oddly satisfying even though I feel awful for both of them.

Well done. That's a lot packed into one little piece. :)

Date: 2012-03-13 04:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Thank you, dear! This is my first ever really short fic, so I'm glad it still felt like a lot was there (even if it was sad and somewhat tragic).

Date: 2012-03-13 01:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onlyariana.livejournal.com
I almost can't comment on this. It's so horrifically heartbreaking and like Kara realizes there is NO GOOD REASON for things to be like this. I do love that she follows him around. That she puts forth the awful effort to touch him when he most needs it.

Date: 2012-03-13 04:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Oh, *hugs*. This is rather sad, isn't it? My poor Pontius Pilots. CAN'T THEY CATCH A BREAK? Sigh. Despite everything, I'm somewhat satisfied knowing how much they care for each other in this, something that didn't necessarily come across in the finale to me. Thank you so much for your comment.

Date: 2012-03-13 01:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rayruz.livejournal.com
:( My heart is all achey now.

Date: 2012-03-17 04:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
No! I don't want your heart to be achey! I shall kiss it and make it better!

I don't know where this fic came from, because even if I tend every now and then toward angst, I also tend toward happy, fluffy endings as well. So sigh. :(

And sorry it took me so long to respond to this comment. For some reason it slipped under the radar : / At any rate, thank you so much for reading and leaving feedback.

Date: 2012-03-16 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rdave1.livejournal.com
This is so sad and beautiful! I can imagine how hard it is for Kara to helplessly watch Lee trying to survive without her, trying to kill himself because of his pain. Beautiful!

Date: 2012-03-17 04:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] letterstonorah.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! This is one of the few fics I've written that didn't exactly have a happy ending. I think a continuation might be in store. We'll see! Poor Lee, depressed and alone and pining away for Kara : / I can't in good conscience leave him like that.

Date: 2012-03-21 12:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] justascrewup2.livejournal.com
Damn. Very angsty, but well done at the same time.
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